


Blue Pills

by JackTrades



Series: Sex Fails [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Season/Series 11, Sex fails, fail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:03:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5983639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackTrades/pseuds/JackTrades
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean makes a terrible decision and deals with the (hilarious) consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sam walks out of the motel bathroom freshly showered and ready to turn in early. On his way to his duffel, he notices his phone flashing. He is in no rush. He yanks on a pair of boxer briefs and picks up the phone. He is horrified when he sees he has five missed calls from Dean along with a barrage of text messages. 

Sam plays the voice mail on speaker as he rushes to get dressed.  _ Sammy! Answer your phone - this is an emergency. I think I need a doctor… shit. Just call me back, damn it!  _ Dean sounds like he is in pain. It makes Sam's blood run cold. 

He glances through his texts and sees even less clarity on Dean's condition. Most of it is explicit insults and threats along with the indication that Cas also is not answering him. Sam dials Dean's number as he shoves his sneakers on.

“About fucking time!” Dean screams through the phone.

San ignores his tone, “Dean, where are you?”

Dean groans, presumably in pain, “In the parking lot of that Gas n Sip we stopped at earlier… ‘bout two blocks from the bar…”

Sam left Dean at said bar when it became obvious that Dean would be having sex with a woman he picked up there tonight. Sam knows it took about fifteen minutes to walk back to the motel. "I know where you are. I'm going to try to run, but I'll be at least ten minutes. There anything out there I need to watch out for?”

Dean huffs, “No. I'm an idiot. Nothing out there to get you.”

Sam feels a small measure of relief. Dean might be hurt but it does not sound like he is in imminent danger. “I'll be there soon!” Sam takes off in a full-on sprint out the door as he hangs up.

* * *

 

Sam is pretty confident he had set a new speed record in getting to Dean. He is covered in sweat and breathing heavy when he spots Dean's location. He rushes the Impala once he sees it in the lot, with Dean hunching over the steering wheel. “Dean!” Sam shouts as he pulls the door open. “Dean, what's wrong? Do you need to go to the hospit - I'm sorry…” Sam takes in the sight in front of him: Dean stripped down to a thin shirt and jeans, pale, sweaty, miserable looking, and with a boner so obvious that Sam can't  _ not _ comment. “Why the fuck do you have a raging hard on right now?!”

Dean groans, “That's why I need a damn doctor, Sherlock!”

Sam can't stop himself from asking, “What the hell happened?” 

“Do we need to talk about this now!”

“I guess not. Move over, I'll drive you to the hospital,” Sam tries to be as gingerly as he can getting Dean to shift to the passenger seat. Dean is barely capable of that small movement. Sam drives as fast as he can to the hospital two towns over. He knows it will be at least another twenty minutes, even without traffic lights, to get him to an Emergency Room. “So what the hell happened?”

Dean glares at him. “What does it look like? My dick won't go down!”

Sam is puzzled, "... has this ever happened before? I mean, I've heard Priapism is a thing -”

“What the fuck is Priapism! What are you even talking about, Sam?” Dean hunches back over, the outburst only made him hurt more.

"It's like that shit all the erectile dysfunction commercials warn about.” Sam explains, matter of fact. “You know, ‘for an erection lasting longer than four hour’ - wait - how long has that been going on? I read that there can be permanent damage if it's not treated.”

“My dick is gonna fall off?!” 

“No, calm down. Your blood pressure probably isn't helping.”

“Since when are you a doctor! Ow-” Dean somehow looks more distressed than when this started. “Drive faster. I can't handle having something worse happening to El Presidente!” 

Sam scoffs, “Dude, I don't need to know what you call it. What happened anyway? Did you get whammied by that girl you went home with?” 

Dean grits his teeth, “Just shut up and drive!”

* * *

 

Sam grabs Dean's button down shirt from the back seat before helping get him into the Emergency Room. Dean is thankful for the forethought when he sees just how many people are waiting in the urgent care waiting room. He is at least able to hold the balled up shirt in front of himself to attempt to preserve his modesty. Sam deposits Dean in a chair across from a guy who is bleeding from a head wound and looks woozy. The woman with him is already screaming at the nurse when she comes through to call the next patient. 

Sam returns with a clipboard full of paperwork to fill out. He grimaces, “I explained your, uh, situation to the desk. They said it would probably be forty-five minutes to an hour.”

The woman across from them scoffs, “Yeah, good luck with that! They told me the same shit two hours ago.” 

Dean starts to panic, “Two hours! I'm gonna lose my dick, I can't deal with this!”

Sam hisses at him, “Keep your voice down! Unless you want every man, woman, and child in this place to know about it…” Sam goes about filling out ‘Dean Costa’s’ paperwork to the best of his ability. He requires Dean's assistance once he gets to the section where they need the specifics. “Dean, they need to know what happened so now would be a great time for you to tell me.”

“Gimme,” Dean snatches the clipboard and pen from Sam. He is furiously checking in the blocks for his symptoms and scribbles down more information. “I gotta sign this, right?”

Sam gives him a skeptical look, “Yeah, Dean Costa has to sign on all the lines that have those flags next to the lines.” 

Dean blows through the rest of it and shoves the board back to Sam. The checklist is still on the top. Without meaning to, Sam's eye catches exactly what caused this whole fiasco. “ _ Viagra? _ You can't get your dick to go down because you took pills that won't let it go down… are you really that stupid?”

Dean sneers, “Just hand in my damn paperwork and tell them to hurry!”

Sam will not be letting this drop. Not for a long, long time. He gets up and gives the papers and his credit card to the desk nurse. Dean notices some conversing before the nurse laughs and gets up. She walks through a door into parts unknown while Sam waits at the desk. 

Dean feels like all the eyes in the place are on him and his ridiculous, but glorious, crotch.The nurse returns and hands Sam something. He lingers, Dean assumes he is flirting, and the nurse laughs again before he walks away. Sam goes back to Dean and hands him two packs. Sam smirks, “Ice for your junk. The nurse says you crack them then shake them. They get colder the longer you have it on.” Dean glares at him. “Hey! Don't give me that look - you got yourself into this mess. And because they feel bad for you they should be able to get a urologist to see you within a half hour.” 

Dean just groans and puts the ice packs in his lap.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Dean makes really poor choices.

Slipping those pills in his jacket pocket during the banshee case is a fantastic idea! It's just a bonus that Sam is oblivious to it. Dean is more than eager to use the stolen Viagra to restore the marathon sex capacity that age and whisky robbed from him. Suck it, Nature!

* * *

 

_ I have made a HORRIBLE mistake.  _ That is all Dean could think as he removes himself, ever so gingerly, from the condom in the woman's bathroom and cleans up. He came but he definitely is not going soft. It is uncomfortable, for sure, bordering on pain. Best to get the hell out of dodge before too long passes and she thinks he just wants to go again.  

* * *

 

Sam tries to be serious about this situation. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn't want Dean mocking him. Although Sam wouldn't be this stupid. The nurse calls them in short order. Thankfully, they bring a wheelchair for Dean. The nurse leads them to the other side of the hospital and leaves them in an exam room. Dean is instructed to strip and put on a hospital gown. His unfading erection is even more evident in the paper thin robe. 

Sam can't stop himself. He shouts, “BOO!” as he jumps towards Dean in the small room.

Dean jumps back, “What the hell, Sam!”

Sam snickers, “Have you tried scaring it? I was trying speed this trip along.”

Dean glares at him. Any response he has is cut off when the nurse returns along with a fairly attractive doctor. Under other circumstances, Dean would be trying to pick up both. The doctor speaks as she reviews the chart, “It seems you are having an adverse reaction to Viagra. Have you taken any anti-inflammatory medication?”

“No.”

“Any other drugs in your system that we should know about?”

“... No?” 

The doctor is not amused. “Mr. Costa, if you have other substances in your system it may impact your treatment. I'll ask again: have you taken any other drugs?”

Dean shifts back and forth under the scrutiny. “I was drinking earlier and… ummm.... I had some painkillers too. Not sure what they were. Sam, what’d I take?”

Sam thinks, ‘ _ God, we sound like drug addicts.’  _ He has to think on it a little longer than the doctor is comfortable with. “Percocet, I forget the dosage. He hurt his back.” Okay, that part is true. 

The doctor is scribbling something down in Dean's chart. “You mixed alcohol with Percocet?”

Dean gets defensive, “I mean, I didn't wash them down with whiskey if that's what you're asking.”

The doctor gives him a stern look. “At the very least, it's bad for your liver.” She looks at Sam, “I assume that it was your prescription.”

‘ _ Mine because they're in my duffle bag…’ “ _ Yeah, I had some left over from when I busted my knee.” Always good to mix in a half truth. He obtained them for that purpose through a pill pusher at a bar after a hunt. 

She looks back to Dean as she puts gloves on. “I have to examine you. Please lean back.” She pulls out an extension for Dean's legs as he leans back. Dean carefully takes removes the ice packs as the doctor pulls his hospital gown back. Sam doesn't want or mean to look, but he regrets looking all the same. Sam doesn't spend an inordinate amount of time looking at Dean's dick. That said, nobody's should ever look that angry and painful! “How many Viagra did you take?”

Dean winces out the answer, “Two.”

Sam can't stop himself, “Dean! Are you really that stupid?”

Dean just groans in response. 

The doctor is unfazed, “We're going to give you an anti-inflammatory and wait thirty minutes. If you show no signs of improving, we will have to drain it -”

Dean perks up, “Drain it?”

“With a needle,” she states matter-of-fact. “It typically goes down with drugs but there is really no way to predict if it will work.” 

Sam cringes. Dean looks like all the blood is draining from his face. “I'm gonna pass out.”

The nurse leaves the room and returns quickly with pills for Dean to take. He downs them then puts the ice packs back on his crotch. Sam awkwardly attempts small talk to pass the time. 

When the doctor returns, Dean is braced for the worst. She examines him again. “Good news: your erection seems to be going down. You'll have to stay a little longer while it goes down. I'm also going to need a urine sample to ensure that you don't have blood in it.” She pulls a plastic cup down from a cabinet in the corner and places it on the counter. “Whenever you are ready. Bathroom is across the hall. Bring the sample to the nurse.” 

“So no dick needles?” Dean certainly has a way with words. 

The doctor nods, “No. We just want to be thorough and make sure you didn't have any additional complications.”

Dean practically leaps off the table at that and grabs the cup.

* * *

 

He looks significantly less pained when he returns. By the time the lab runs allof their tests, Dean is almost back to normal. A different nurse discharges him and they're finally free to go.

Sam insists on driving. They are not even out of the parking lot when he cracks a smile. “So the great Dean Winchester needed help in the getting it up department?”

Dean grumbles, “Fuck off. I'm not 19 anymore!”

Sam barks out a laugh. “Well I hope it was worth it.”

  
No, no it was not worth it. Dean will just have to count the days until Sam's next fuck up. Dean's not living this down until that happens.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry for this. I probably should be. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated! If you have a sex fail, let me know because I feel like the brothers have probably had them.


End file.
